My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
