the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
