it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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