So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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