Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
