I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
