I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
