We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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