Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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