I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
