Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Randomize
