Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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