Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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