Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Randomize
