Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
