I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
