I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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