my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
