I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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