Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
