just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
