I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
