Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
