I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
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I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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