Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
