the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
