if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
