a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
