If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
