note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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