So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
