Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
