I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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