I just saw a hot homeless man
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
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