so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
