You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
