There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
