I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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