I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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