I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You've changed since you got that strap on
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
