he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
