my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
