i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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