Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
