If i come over, it means nothing
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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