my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
