Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
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My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Watching her eat just hurts me
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Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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