who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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