I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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