don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
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Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
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Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Come on in and take your pants off
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