At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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