Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
