He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
