i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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