i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
