It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
