You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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