I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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