my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
