Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
