I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
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My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
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I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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