So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
