I'm so fucking centered right now
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
