Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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