i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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