Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
is it fun? or sober?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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