My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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