I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I could have mohawked her pubes.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
