Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
