turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I didn't notice because vodka
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
